Sometimes, you gotta let loose
Sometimes you have to loosen the reins a little bit. This is a gut-check moment, I think – it’ll be different for everyone, and it’ll be based on your kid’s personality or what you (or they) happen to be up against at the moment. But our gut-check moment came this week, and it came in the form of a rather put-out kindergartener.
This week, after nearly six years of eating (and being enthusiastic about) Mommy’s packed lunches, L. started to rebel. I’ve been waiting for it, not because I think J. and I do a lousy job of educating our kids about food or because L.’s a rebellious child (he’s as far from rebellious as I think you can get, actually), but because I know that he’s smart enough to notice that comparing his food to most of his classmates’ is like playing a game of One of These Things is Not Like the Others. It started with snacks. I won’t rehash all the boring details here, but the gist is that L. complained one afternoon that he wasn’t happy with his after-school snack. I suggested he make me a list of things he’d rather have me pack. He listed “Cookies, Soda, Chips, Candy Bars.”
Obviously, this wasn’t the list I’d wanted or expected, but as I prepared to roll my eyes and give the predictable spiel about healthy snack foods, I caught L.’s face. He was sulking. Legitimately sulking. Not in anger, not in defiance, but in real sadness and frustration, and that stopped me in my tracks.
I sat next to him and said, “This is quite a list. Want to talk about it?”
He wasn’t expecting that reaction, I could see – which made me all the more glad that I’d taken a minute to quell my knee-jerk response. He kind of leaned into my side, just short of a snuggle, and from there it took less than 2 minutes for the truth to come out: that all the OTHER kids are eating that stuff, and he wishes he could fit in better.
In those two minutes, I knew three things very clearly:
- If ever there were a time when I could easily turn my child against the idea of healthy eating, this is likely it.
- What’s really going on is that L. feels different and he’s uncomfortable with that. It doesn’t matter that it’s about food right now – the food is just the symptom. He’s six, and when you’re six, the social order at school can feel like the whole world.
- It is my job as his mother to take the very best care of his body AND his spirit, and these two things, at this moment in time, exist in a very delicate balance.
So we talked a little, and I found, unsurprisingly, that L. knew exactly why he’s not given those items for snacks, and he knew that he was needling me by suggesting them, but that still wasn’t the point. The point was not nutrition education. The point was that after years of being different in many ways, both due to his disabilities and his brightness and to the fact that he likes the color pink and the fact that he’d rather play the piano than play kickball…after years of feeling different and staying really strong and secure in himself through all of that, L. was finally bothered by being different in a way that he felt he could actually control.
Haven’t we all felt that way? I know I have. And I know I don’t want to be a part of making my kid feel that way. He’s got enough battles to fight.
We compromised and made a list of things that we could both live with, and I promised to buy or make them and send them in his snack a couple of times a week. Organic graham bunnies. Yogurt-covered pretzels. Chocolate-chip banana muffins. Chocolate almond milk in single-serve boxes. It was important to me that we choose things that are allowed in our home, and that I’ve bought for the boys before; L. had to know that I wasn’t going to just start packing Oreos and Lunchables. But they also had to be things that represented, in his six-year-old eyes, a change from the usual – a way for him to feel less like the kid who never gets what he really wants for snack, and more like the kid who sometimes opens his backpack to find something really great.
The next day, as I congratulated myself on finding a solution that made us both comfortable, I was caught off guard when L.’s second request came. “I want to make my own lunch.”
Gulp. Sure, I told him. Be my guest. And watched for three days as he made his lunch…each day testing the boundaries of just HOW MANY “sometimes” foods I’d let him sneak in (answer: I bit my tongue hard), and each day, without comment from me, also adding things like pepper slices or unsweetened applesauce. I didn’t care that he only packed four slices of peppers where I’d pack eight – I cared that he was in control and happy about what he packed. Healthy foods in a lunch are a good model, it’s true, but they’re a better model if they get eaten.
After Day Three, he had Field Day at school. His teacher said we could pack a lunch if he didn’t want to eat what was provided. I asked him. He opted for the hot dogs and cookies, and J. and I gave him extra hugs and a cheery “Enjoy it!” while we shriveled a bit inside, sending him out the door. He came home starving and predictably moody after a day of junk food, and not enough food at that. We hugged him and kissed him and fed him and put him to bed early in a storm of tears.
He woke up the next morning and asked me to pack his lunch. I loaded up his box with veggies and grilled chicken and then slipped in a chocolate almond milk – and saw the dimple in his cheek as he tried to hide the fact that he’d been watching. A minute later, he told me he didn’t think the cereal he’d had for breakfast was healthy enough, and he, my fruit-and-yogurt averse child, drank a peanut butter and jelly smoothie packed with yogurt and berries and bananas, hugged me hard, and ran out the door with a smile on his face.
I could have dug in this week and stayed resolute on Offering The Most Optimal Things for You to Eat, Always and Forever, Because I Am the Mommy and That’s Why. But whether it’s food-related or not, honestly, one thing I’ve learned in parenting is that digging in for the sake of digging in rarely ends up giving you the result you want. The result I wanted was not for L. to eat everything I expected him to eat, honestly; the result I really wanted, and I think the result most of us want, was for L. to make reasonably good choices when given the opportunity, and to have a positive association with healthy foods rather than a negative one. I don’t want eating well to be some form of oppression to my kids, and if all it takes to keep ourselves on the right side of that line is to show them that I do understand there’s another side to life, another way of eating that vies for their attention every day when I’m not around…then I’ll show them gladly. After all, it turns out that they’ve been listening to what we’re trying to teach them all along. We owe them a little bit of listening, too.
You are very wise, and so is L., it seems. 🙂 It’s hard to feel like you’re not “fitting in,” but it sounds like you worked this out in the best possible way!
Thank you, Jane! Yes, L.’s wise beyond his years and always has been. What I’ve always felt is that if I really tuned in and listened to him, he’d show me what he needed, and so far I haven’t been proven wrong — the times when I thought I would be, it’s been because I didn’t listen well enough!
Good for you to reading his cues and being willing to bite your tongue…I’ve been feeling like I need to loosen up a bit with my 4 yr old, too, but it’s killing me…she’s fighting what I feed her more and more and, like you said, I don’t want to push so much that she resents the healthy food. After trying to not micromanage her at a bday party last weekend, I couldn’t keep silent when I saw her grab a second capri sun (along with cheese puffs, pizza, etc.), and I did ask her to choose either M&Ms or pink cake for dessert. But I will be turning a blind eye at camp this summer, where for the first time I will not be packing a lunch for her to eat instead of camp provided food, and I resisted the urge to answer “yes” to any of the food restriction questions on the pre-camp forms. I don’t want her to feel different and left out and make a big deal about food. So this will mean her choice for lunch from only slightly better than standard processed camp food, along with ice cream or a neon ice pop every afternoon. Deep breaths…but still, it makes me angry that my choice is to either let her eat things that are not food, are bad for her body, and will make her a cranky disaster for 8 weeks, or risk turning her off to healthy food by making too big a deal out of eating things that are different. It’s just a terrible position to be in as a parent, which is why advocating for environmental changes is so critical! Hopefully through all of our efforts we can make healthy the default and have peer pressure work in positive ways…one can hope, right? 🙂
It’s hard, isn’t it? When you KNOW how icky some of the processed stuff is, it’s hard to not want to keep your kids away from it — but it’s all about perspective and leading through example, not dragging them kicking and screaming. I think letting her eat at camp is a great idea and it will really give you both some needed distance from the issue; she’ll get to experience it and see how she likes it, and you’ll get to see how she manages at home when she’s eating someone else’s food all day. 🙂 You’re right, though, that it’s so frustrating for us as parents to not have a middle ground that’s readily apparent much of the time. And that IS why we are all fighting for change — but while we’re fighting for change “out there,” we still have to raise these little people in our own homes!
I let my kids “eat what they want” and then they always go back to eating better. My kids prefer fruits and vegetables, they’re weird that way. My SIL has Type 1 diabetes and they don’t want to get “the sugar” so they try to eat healthy on their own.
It’s true that for many kids, they will make good choices on their own without too much interference. Good for you for knowing what works in your family!
I always admire the way you communicate with your son, and I’m captivated by your posts. Your thoughts. Your decisions. Your doubts. Your sense of thinking things through all the way. Here you are, the mother of this wonderful, growing, independent child. The decisions you make are all yours, and they make sense! It’s like you’ve been doing this for 20 years. I’m proud of how you handled this whole situation. You are a great mom!
Awww…thank you so much, Jackie! That’s very sweet of you. And it takes one to know one! 😉
You’re a brilliant mom.
Oh my goodness. Thank you!
I loved this post, Bri–not only for its honesty and wisdom but for how it so clearly demonstrates how in-tune you are with your kids and how thoughtful and careful you are with how you talk to them. So much to learn from this! You are right that everyone has to do things in their own way and what works for one family may not work for another, but thank you for sharing this experience. I think you did a great job handling your son’s request and his feelings. Bravo!
Thank you, Sally! That means a lot. 🙂 I think it’s important that we all put ourselves out there and share what we’ve done in our homes, because with no real blueprint to follow, all of our voices and perspectives are needed for people to feel like they’re doing okay.
Thank you, I really needed to read this today. We are on GAPS and field day is next week. My child really has no choice while we do GAPS to try to cure food allergies. There is no cheating on GAPS. My child always feels left out when he is eating a different snack than everyone else. It breaks my heart to see him feel like this. I’m really looking forward to a nice long summer break from school. School is the only place my child feels like he doesn’t fit in. I have brought it to the schools attention but they don’t seem the care. I even gave the copy of the new food bullying commercial to a few staff members. The one with the little boy in the hall while the other children are eating a cupcake. I wanted them so see how children feel when they are not included in the snack. They just don’t seem to care. The junk food always seems to be more important. Very sad adults can allow any child to feel like that. It is not that hard to find a snack that everyone can eat. Watermelon and orange slices are a great idea. Thanks again for helping me through this very difficult time.
Oh, Christine, your comment just breaks my heart. I’m so glad that you can take some comfort and support from this post. It’s NOT easy to see our kids feeling like outsiders in any way, and it’s extra hard when it’s something we’re doing — whether by choice or necessity — that makes things more challenging for them. I think a long summer break will do a world of good for both you and your son, and help him to feel more in control. A larger issue is really what you bring up about the school environment and how the staff are handling your concerns. Next year, assuming there are still dietary restrictions for your son, you may want to consider offering to bring the shared snack for certain events in order to give him those few touchpoints where things are more equitable. Just a thought; but even if that doesn’t work out, please know that you are not alone in struggling with this, and your love and care for your son are the most important thing!
This post gave me such hope. My daughter’s difference leads her to be more susceptible to obesity than anyone would like to imagine, and I feed her everything I want her to have, but what do I do when she rebels? I still have a few years, but this post will always be in my back pocket. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.
Hi Chelley! I’m so glad to have provided you with hope. 🙂 We’ve struggled with the weight issue around here, too — not possibly in the way that you may have to worry about it with Adelaide, but yes, it’s always in the back of my mind. I think our Mommy guts are the best tools we have for stuff like this. There’s no road map, but kids have a remarkable way of letting you know what they need from you if you listen to them and listen to your inner voice. You and your adorable little one will be more than okay.
You’re right! It’s all about choosing your battles and letting the kids grow and learn on their own!
It’s amazing how much they absorb even when we don’t think they’re paying attention, isn’t it?
Thank you for your kind words. I do make snack for the entire class so no child is left out at least in my child’s class. But, when the snack is for the entire school, the only thing I can do is make something safe for my own child. I try to make something as close to what ever they are providing(really hard on GAPS). Next Tuesday, the ice cream truck will be handing out slush. I will be making frozen bugs made out of bananas. I found a cool bug shape container so I freeze them in it and my son loves them. The problem is now when the other kids see what he has they make a big deal. Most times he will cry when he gets home. I have told the school, and because they don’t see him cry, they don’t seem to care. I even joined a community coalition and we discuss these issues, and still nothing. We are just made to feel like it is our problem and we have to deal with it. We even have a law in MA that the ice cream truck is not allowed on school grounds until 30 minutes after school gets out. But the ice cream truck is coming at 1:30. Really, is it me??? I will never understand these people. I could tell you story after story, and you would not believe the things we have been through at the schools in this town. Just two weeks ago there was an art show and they had the kids making ice cream, with all kinds of junk(I’m being nice) all over it. Did they bother to tell anyone, they were having ice cream??? NO! My son walked in and said he felt like someone punched him in the stomach. If they let us know we could have brought something for him. I sent an email to the school, and included the TV commercial on food bullying, so they could see how my child felt. Again, no one cares. If anyone would like to view that commercial you can go to my website. http://www.healthyhabithomestead.weebly.com You will see a boy in the hall while the others eat a cupcake. I cried when I saw this. No child should EVER be left out of a school event. Thank you for your support. It’s so nice to find other loving parents dealing with these issues so we don’t feel alone. Have a great day.
Loved the article and it’s thoughtful writing. As a mom who is trying to teach my kids to make healthy choices. And as a food allergy mom.
What you describe above is what food allergic children go through on a constant basis. When there are foods that other kids are eating…that they can’t eat due to safety. Every time a birthday treat is shared that is not safe for an allergic child, they feel the way your son did above. But I can’t loosen the reins and let her have any…or we have a medical emergency on our hands. My wish is that others will become more aware of the emotional affects that food can have on kids when they are not allowed to have it for safety or health reasons. Bringing food that is safe and healthy for all is a way that we can include everyone. As for treats that *are* safe for my daughters, I try to moderate that as well and appreciated the tips you provided above….and the wise words about stopping to “listen”.
I so feel for you as an allergy mom. While my younger son’s reactions to food dyes and preservatives are not life-threatening, he has very serious reactions nonetheless and just like you, I can’t “loosen the reins” in a way that allows him to be included without restriction. It’s so hard to watch these kids being excluded from simple pleasures that don’t even HAVE to be food-based, or could be modified to be safe for all with a bit of thought and compassion. I think listening and using open hearts is our best tool in these situations. Thanks for sharing your experiences!
I really want to thank you for this post. I’m 24, I do not have any children (yet) and I had a pretty junk-filled childhood (not just food, either). I’m overweight and have suffered severe depression ever since I can remember, until a few months ago. I decided to take matters into my own hands and take a look at the food I was eating, and BOY did that make a huge difference.
I’ve added a lot of blogs like yours to my Facebook so that I can see them every day now, and I loved hearing about how you dealt with L.! I am thanking God that I’m finding all of this out now, BEFORE I have my own children. Reading about people like you and your family inspire me every day, so thank you for providing me with life-changing resources. 🙂
Wow, this comment makes my day. Seriously — it’s such an honor to hear from people who feel like reading my blog is a help to them. I’m so happy for you that you were able to change the state of your health by taking control of your diet, and it’s great that you’re invested in educating yourself and getting inspired before you start your own family. I hope you’ll continue to hang around and share your thoughts and questions!